In this final blog, I will be covering a sort of wrap-up of my year and high school career in general. This is very important to me as I will be able to assess my progress from where I started to now. I will be covering my freshman year sophomore, junior, and senior year. I will explain where I was spiritually during each year. I will also explain my mental health during these times. (thank you for reading)

Broken Days of Fear and Hopelessness
So first we are going to start on my freshman year. I went to two schools I was only there for a month then I moved to the one I’m at now. I was going through a lot at this time that weighed a lot on me. I was still living with my abusive mother at this time and I had no healthy spiritual relationship if anything I was quite pagan in my beliefs and practices(which weighed heavier on me). I was in a very dark mindset at this time. I only thought of horrible things and I had no good friends at the time either. I frequently thought of suicide and had planned how I would do it in many different ways. I was daydreaming about suicide while I was at school, at home, In the shower, in bed etcetera. I could not escape this deep darkness that weighed over me. I had no Father, no loving Mom, no friends, no money, and no hope. Near the end of the high school year, I would go emotionally Numb. My grades were mostly Ds and Cs but I didn’t fail any classes.

                               The Time of Much Pain and Hope

My sophomore year was the beginning of change. The same things happened always, fights, aguing, rage, hate then my mom would have sex with her many “boyfriends” (to cope i’m assuming). This cycle would repeat itself over and over getting suddenly worse and worse. One night it got so bad my stepdad (at the time) would get extremely drunk and would hit my mom and hit my brothers who were trying to defend her. As bad as my Mom was we still loved her. The police would be called by the people living next to us and they would show up to see my brothers battered and the house a wreck(I ran out of the house to avoid getting beat by my stepdad). DCFS would be called and my aunt would adopt me. I was finally in a loving home with people who truly loved me. I struggled very much with myself fighting and wrestling the demons from years of abuse and neglect. I found it very hard to believe I was loved and I became a self-harmer.

                                          I Get Help

Near the end of my sophomore year and the beginning of my junior year, I would be hospitalized 3 times due to suicidal thoughts and actions. My new family was very supportive and I received much love from them. My uncle taught me about God and the forgiveness of my sins. And my aunt was the mother figure I never had. Despite their love for me, my darkness was still very dark. I would self-harm quite often hurting myself pretty badly at some points. I hated myself so much and I couldn’t fight these demons much longer. But over time I would grow and learn to cope with my severe depression and grow to understand that I am loved. I would change forever and it was all due to God’s love for me.

                                        I Am Ok Now

Finally, in My senior year. It’s been such a long journey and this year flew by. Oh, how I wish I could tell my past self it would be ok. I’ve grown physically, Mentally, and spiritually. I am just a sapling now, but I’m no longer a tiny seed. Oh, how much I’m excited to grow OH my Father in Heaven. You have not left me in the dark alone, You knew me before I was born. OH YAHWEY, you are my king, and all the glory goes to you. To the person reading this, I am living proof of hope I am living proof of God’s love. You are greatly loved by YAHWEY dear reader. (Thank you, Reader, Shalome)

Do you know how to express the human experience with two words? Would the experience be more positive or negative? Would you say your world was just or unjust? Do you know the purpose of life and the experience? In this blog, I will be talking about my human experience and answering the questions according to my experience so far.

First, do you know how to express the human experience with two words? I do know how I would Express the experience with two words, wonderfully cold. Now that might sound pessimistic but I assure you it is more positive than it sounds. First I will explain the cold side of it then the wonderfully cold part of it. The cold part is just as simple as understanding the wrong and evil in the world. The world is cold because of excessive violence, hate, hunger, thirst, greed, lust, injustice, sexual immorality, and pride. Now for the Wonderfully cold part of the explanation. Now the wonderfully cold part is a little more complicated than just cold. The best way I can explain it is life wouldn’t be enjoyable without the coldness of the world. Without pain there will only be the concept of completeness and completeness would mean nothing. Ultamently with no bad in the world, we as people would only want more.

Now has the human experience been more positive or negative? Personally, my experience is definitely been very painful. Life has its way to make it known you have no control or ever will. My life has been a hurtful experience. I never had a loving mother or a stable father. My mom was a drug addict who was very manipulative and verbally abusive. My father was an alcoholic schizophrenic. Those two were only together long enough to produce four boys me being one of them. I was raised by my mother. I never had a healthy relationship with my mom all it consisted of was lying hurting and manipulation. She went from man to man never staying with any of them leaving me and my brothers in the midst of it. Fight after fight lie after lie was all I lived.

Would I say the world was just? No, the world is controlled by greedy politicians and greedy governments who only care about money and power. DCFS has failed me over and over again. It took my brother getting punched in the face by my stepdad in front of the police in order to get DCFS involved and I was 14 then. No one cares about anyone when money is involved of course it is not just.

Finally, what’s the purpose? I’m not going to tell you something like “it is what you make of it” or “it’s about loving one another”. The purpose of life is the experience. Something we all have in common is that we are all stuck in this wonderfully cold unjust world. There is no purpose, we have scerewed up everything since the beginning. All we can do is choose passive or aggressive. Trust in the lord for he has a plan to get things right again. Shalom brothers and sisters.

Have you ever heard a knock in the night maybe even seen a shadow in the corner of your eye? Well, a majority of these things can be rolled out as the brain playing tricks on you. Have you ever had an experience so out of the ordinary so strange and so compelling that you know it couldn’t just be your brain playing tricks on you? That’s what I’m going to talk about in this blog post the perinormal experiences I have had that I still cannot explain.

Now, most of my experiences happened at a young age and some may say they were my imagination but I can remember these experiences with much detail and remember the fear and dread that I felt at that moment in time. One of these experiences happened when I was around eight or nine years old. I was for some reason laying on the floor in my bedroom and I began to feel tired and fell asleep. Now this detail was a little strange because my bed was just a few feet away. When I awoke I had a large pressure on my chest and could not move. I began to hear many voices yelling and laughing many of which were mocking me. I tried to fight them but the harder I tried the louder they were. I was eventually let go and the voices stopped. Now, this may easily be explained as sleep paralysis but this next one I was fully awake for. In the same house at the same age, I and my brother woke up in the middle of the night from a little blue radio I had in my room. The radio was loud and sounded like it was just flipping through channels and almost like two channels were playing simultaneously. I was freaked out by this but what made it worse is that my brother got up to take the batteries out and there were no batteries. My brother not knowing what to do just chucked it outside in the hallway and shut the door. We could still hear the radio and it almost sounded like something was trying to communicate with us but my brother told me it was nothing and went to bed.

I have had many of these experiences in my life that I cannot explain and these were just scratching the surface and I simply do not have the time to type out all my experiences with the perinormal. Currently, I still experience strange things here and there but I do not fear the enemy anymore for I have the lord Yahweh to protect me and he has most defiantly protected me. Thank you for reading, Sholom.

Hello, readers, this is an emotional blog post I wish I didn’t have to say this but I have to have an introduction, anyway if you do not do well with sad or depressing topics feel free to leave.

I’m in pain, lots of pain. Not like most people’s pain but not many understand or when they try don’t understand why I feel the way I do. The pain is unlike anything I’ve ever felt or dealt with. I’m hurting in my relationship with Yahweh. I thirst for more of Him, more understanding, more comfort. But I hit a wall, a cold unforgiving wall. The wall is named My Flesh And My Sin. I hunger for an answer I try to climb the wall but my filth is greasy and I slip. So maybe ill get rid of my body then I can be with Yahweh. So I slip out of my body with my own hands and walk through the wall. I made a crucial mistake I’m a sinner. my soul is burnt up to a crisp in the presence of Yahweh. So what do I do? Well, that’s why we have Yeshua. Repent, call Yeshua your god and poof your clean. Well, Yeshua is not god and what does it mean to repent and where is the barrier? I go to church and hear the same things over and over again the once saved always saved love Jesus mc Donald’s happy meal preaching. It’s the same thing over and over again, when are we going to eat solid food and stop eating baby food? I’m hungry I know I’m saved by Yeshua but I know that that’s not all there is. I crave a more personal close intimate relationship with the one and only true god of everything, Yahweh.

Thank you for listening I hope that wasn’t too depressing to you but I had to get it off my chest. don’t let me discourage you love your God and keep his commands. Follow Yeshua for he is the narrow path to life…Amen

Welcome to my next blog. Today I will be talking about the very important topic of Yahweh’s love and his relationship with you. My other blogs deal with heaver religious topics and I soon will be posting more. Anyway thank you for sticking around for my rant

Now first we must understand what biblical love means. And this is kinda complicated. Well according to Paul ” Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth”. Now, this is very important because the modern sense of love is always seen in a romantic lovey, cute and cuddly way of expressing romantic feelings. This is not the love of Yahweh. The love of our God is much deeper and more personal He knew you before he formed you.

So what is Yahweh’s love? Well, let us start from the beginning of time when we were created. Yahweh had created us in his image and his likeness to be a part of him and with him. It’s in Yahweh’s nature that he created us. Going further in the scripture you see His love through the simple fact he kept giving us chances even as we kept failing him over and over again. Despite our failures, he gave us many opportunities to turn back to him. Now going even further he even made it much easier for all of us by giving us the death of Yahshua In which we so desperately need. Remember in all this time Yahweh could have just erased us and started over but he didn’t. We are a part of him, without him there is nothing.

Now It is impossible to understand the entirety of Yahweh’s love but what we can understand is to stay strong and understand that when you are a part of god he will not let go of you. (Deuteronomy 31:8)(Deuteronomy 31:6) (Hebrews 13:5)(Joshua 1:9) (Psalm 94:14)

In this blog, I will be talking about my visions and what they may mean for our future. I’m choosing this topic because I’ve been worried recently about the end times and if we are coming to these biblical end times sooner than expected. I’m no expert in the book of Revelations so I most definitely don’t understand one hundred percent of it. I’m mainly worried because of some of the interpretations of my dreams other believers have had. Anyway, thank you for listening this is going to be a lot.

About 12 months ago I had a dream/vision. In this dream, I was walking on a busy sidewalk with cars and people all about. I then came to a massive cathedral with beautiful windows and gorgeous artwork. I don’t remember why but I entered. Upon opening the large cathedral doors I saw a large open main area with lots of space for many people. Now before proceeding I do warn you the vision is not PG. I then saw many women who were dressed provocatively and having intercourse with each other. Some of them were in these large water fountains and there were many people there. In the dream, I left feeling very filthy and I pleaded with Yahweh to forgive me and he did. I felt a warm soothing heat fall on me and I knew I was forgiven. Now when I awoke I spoke to my uncle who knows way more of this stuff than I do. His interpretation was that the church of whores represented the modern church and the many Jesuses they serve.

Now a few weeks after this dream/vision I had another. This dream is extremely symbolic I do not remember the whole of the dream so ill try to explain what I do remember. In one of the beginning segments of the dream, I was in a place where it seemed all time existed at once. this area was huge and it seemed like a city square of some sort with buildings all about it. And I saw many fearful people staring into the sky pleading and crying. I then looked up to see what they were looking at and saw that the sky was purple in color and very cloudy almost like a storm was about to strike. Amidst the clouds, I saw what looked like eyes large and many. I then glanced down and in an instant, the people around me burst into flames screaming in intense pain like no other. I remember being very confused and wondering if the same was going to happen to me so I began to pray for forgiveness. I still don’t know how to interpret this part of the dream. There was a small transition in my dream where I went about with a few angels spreading the word of God to those who were lost and sick. I then came to a small bar where I and the angles rested. As we were seated I heard the sound of rushing Locus and then these strange bugs came into the bar and the angles hid me and told me not to pray. This is to be interpreted as the angles protecting me for I did not have the seal of Yahweh on my forehead. The question of why not let me be stung and why are these angles protecting me is because I still have much to see. This is to be interpreted to maybe mean that I’m a part of the remnant (Read Revelation 12:17). Now this is very important because it could mean that the end is coming very soon and that we should prepare ourselves.

Thank you for reading. I do not claim this to be taken as a word of god I’m just expressing my experience and to maybe warn you if what I’ve experienced is true.

In this blog, I will talk about my personal experience with prayer, my problems with prayer in the modern christen church and my experiences with worship in the contemporary church. Now I chose this topic because Yesterday I was praying, I had my tallit on and was nealing to the ground. I noticed every time I’m in deep prayer like this I tend to get very emotional and sometimes began to cry. Having this immense feeling of love from my heavenly father I wondered if anyone else in my church worshiped like this.

Now when I go to church (Christen Church) I tend to notice patterns and reputations that kind of bother me. Now at my church In the morning when I arrive, I go into a small room with my older brother and about five other adults. This room is a bible study and as well as an area where we write down the church’s prayer requests as well as praises. Recently the problems that my church talks about are slim. The problems are like “let’s pray for (names) broken arm” and “Let’s Praise the weather for it is very nice today”. These prayers are beautiful but I feel as if as a church we should have more serious problems to pray about such as the separation of the church and the constant denying of Yahweh in our current world.

Now at my church, I will admit that I do challenge my brothers and sisters and some of them do get upset but overall I am accepted in the church and the people do care for me. One day I showed up at church with my tallit, now I normally Only wear my tallit at home but I wanted to worship as I do at home at church. When the sermon was about to start one of the church folks came up to me and said “hey rabbi isn’t that what rabbis wear”.He followed it up with a laugh which irritated me but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried to explain to him why I decided to wear it that day. That experience made me not want to were my tallit at church, but people are starting to come around and they are starting to understand why I wear it, some people even think it’s cool and compliment me. although I often don’t feel as if the people at my church have a personal relationship with god because most of their prayers seem emotionless and pre-programmed and quite dull. I feel as if prayer should be intimate and very important communication with god and not dealt with like a chore that must be done.

Overall I feel as a church we should be more rejoiceful in the opportunity of communication with god and should take it more seriously.

Hello, this is my second blog, and today I will explain some of the complications I have with how society views my religious beliefs. I will start by talking about my school life and my church life. These issues may upset some people so be vigilant.

Because I have just started my faith I don’t know much about the Bible because I just started reading it. I do try to understand the core values of the Bible though. Many fellow students have recently asked me questions, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Not always are they just asking questions but they’re trying to challenge or make my beliefs look bad. They will ask things like “How can a just God send someone to hell” or “Why would a homosexual go to hell if he or she is born that way, didn’t God make them that way”? There almost mad at me and are looking to make me feel bad about what I believe. I normally respond by asking how their relationship is with god because it is by faith in Yahshua And repentance that they are saved. most of them are not pleased with this answer though.

Because I am a Messianic Jew my look on the bible is different than Catholics and the religions that come from catholicism. When my church friends learn that I keep the cleanliness laws, they normally respond by saying I am wrong because Jesus Nailed the old testament law to the cross. They tell me that if I begin to tell people to keep these old testament laws I would be dammed to hell. I once asked one of my pasters If Jesus had kept all of the old testament laws and he’s our example why don’t we. the pastor responded the same way my church friends did.

I understand that I spoke about sensitive topics in this blog but these things really bother me. I’m getting better at understanding other people’s beliefs and their understanding of the Bible. Thank you for reading my rant it means a lot to me.

Hello, this is my first blog and today I will explain why I’m talking about the topic I’m talking about. The first thing I will explain is why I chose psychology as a topic. Phycology has always been an interest to me since I was a little kid I would try to understand people’s motives for the things they do. I also grew up with people with psychological issues and was interested in psychology to understand them. My father had struggled with schizophrenia most of his adult life and when I was young I never understood it. I always thought he was just crazy which wasn’t true. As I got older, my father was in and out of mental hospitals because he started getting medication changes.

The second thing I will explain Is my faith and how it interferes with my life. I have never been much of a religious guy until last year. I believe in the bible and I’m following Messianic Judaism. I chose this religion because of my issues with the modern christen church and how they do not follow the laws of the Tora. Ever since I started following this faith my life has changed forever. I now make better decisions and enjoy helping other people who are in need.

These two topics will be most of my posts as these are my interest in psychology and my religion. Anyway thank you for taking your time out of your day to read my blog I highly appreciate it.